


Ill-Advised Romance and Other Shenanigans

by Anonymous



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Bad Decisions, Crack, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Demonic Possession, M/M, One Shot Collection, Uncle/Nephew Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 10:36:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12505484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: A DipStan/BillDipStan one-shot collection.





	1. An Uncomfortable Moment

**Author's Note:**

> All of these were originally written for various threads on Fail Fandom Anon. The blog that was hosting them got deleted, so I decided to post them all here. Note that while nothing explicit happens in any of them, Dipper is supposed to be roughly canon-age in each, so if that makes you uncomfortable you should probably steer clear.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missing scene from Sock Opera.

"Y'know, there's a lot to like about this body," said Bill, forks still attached to his arm. "Bet I could put it to some good use!"

"Yeah, if you don't _murder_ it first," Dipper grumbled.

It was right then that Stan walked into the kitchen. "Hey, Dipper. Nice forks." He picked up a bag of chips and walked out.

Bill hummed. "Well! If that don't give me an idea!" He followed Stan into the living room. Dipper floated close behind, wondering what Bill was up to.

Stan was sitting in his armchair, eating chips and watching a crappy horror movie. "Oh, Dipper? You want some--wait, what is up with your eyes?"

"I came here to talk to you, Stan," said Bill. He took a step towards Stan's armchair. "About something _very_ important."

"Is it about your eyes?" asked Stan. "Seriously, we should take you to the hospital if that keeps up."

"It's not about me, Stan," said Bill, his gaze steady. "It's about _you_." Bill closed in on Stan and laid his hands on his knees.

For a moment Dipper wondered what game Bill was playing at, what he was trying to pull off here. Then suddenly, horribly, he got it.

 _Oh no_ , thought Dipper. _Oh, no_.

Stan, however, had yet to catch on. "Is this about making you clean the Sascrotch this week? C'mon, I said I would make it up to y--" He was interrupted by Bill jumping on his lap.

"Nothing," said Bill, "would make me happier than to be with you." He stroked Stan's arm.

Stan gulped, loudly. "Is, is this some kind of joke? Because..."

Bill put a finger to Stan's lips. "Shhh. Why would I lie about my feelings for you? You're everything I ever wanted."

 _Oh god_ , thought Dipper. _Kill me_.

Stan let out an awkward, tense laugh. "Uh, look, Dipper... It's, it's not that I'm not flattered by your, uh, offer... It's just that, well, this would be _really_ inappropriate, on a number of levels, and I see you as more of a friend-slash-punching-bag, anyway, and, and you haven't showered in over a month, and, uh... Did I mention you're twelve? And my nephew?"

"Oh, _please_ ," said Bill. "Since when have _you_ ever cared about what society thinks?" He leaned in for a kiss.

Dipper turned away, wishing he could curl up into a perfect sphere.

Suddenly, Stan shoved Bill off him and stood up from his chair. "Nope!" he said. "This is not happening."

"Ow!" said Bill, who had tumbled to the floor in a heap. "What the heck?"

"Clearly what's going on here is lack of sleep is making your brain go all coo-coo bananas," Stan continued. "Making you put forks in your arm, put the moves on your old great-uncle... Heck, it's probably why your eyes are all screwy. Tomorrow we're gonna look back on this and laugh, and also you're getting a lecture on the dangers of energy drinks. Well!" he said, walking out of the living room. "I'm going upstairs to get cleaned up! Don't follow me, or touch me for the rest of the night, or possibly ever!" There were loud, stomping footsteps on the stairs.

"Oh thank god," said Dipper. "Thank you _so much_ , whatever deity watches over this universe."

Bill stood up. "Well! That was an interesting experiment!"

"In what way?" said Dipper. "He totally turned you down, man."

"Oh, I don't know about that," said Bill, rubbing his cheek. "I think I got to him more than you think. And I bet the old man could be... 'convinced' to kiss you, or 'sleep with you', or whatever you humans like to do in your mating rituals."

Dipper frowned. Was Bill just messing with him, or...? No. No, there was no other explanation. Bill was just trying to get into his head. "Whatever you say, Bill," said Dipper. He crossed his arms and waited for Bill’s next move.


	2. Smooches for Two

It was a drab and boring rainy day, and Candy and Grenda were passing the time by playing with some dolls they found at the Mystery Shack.

" _Ooh, lay another kiss on me, snuggy-wumpkins!_ " Grenda made one doll say. " _Only if we're frenching, sugar lumps_ ," she had the other reply. She smushed their faces together.

"Oh, it is so much fun to make boys kiss each other!" said Candy. "Though, don't you think that doll looks a lot like Dipper?"

"I don't know about that, but I _do_ know that _this_ one's a hot hunk of _Aged Spice_. Mee-yow!" Grenda went back to making kissing noises.

Just then, Mabel burst into the room. "Guys! I _need_ those dolls!"

"But--!" cried Candy and Grenda.

"No questions!" shouted Mabel. "Just hand 'em over! Now!"

Candy and Grenda looked at each other for a moment. Then they sighed and gave Mabel the dolls.

"Why do you need them so much, anyway?" asked Candy.

"Yeah, Mabel," said Grenda, "what gives?"

*******

"Dipper!" yelled Ford. "I need your help with an experiment I'm--" He stopped in his tracks. There, in the living room of the Mystery Shack, were Dipper and Stan, vigorously making out.

Ford boggled, then cleared his throat. "Well!" he said, and realized he had nothing else to say. "Well...!" He could only watch, horrified, as his brother and grandnephew crawled all over each other.

Finally, they split apart. " _Bleh_ ," said Stan. "You ever heard of a breath mint, kid?"

Dipper spun around towards Ford. "Grunkle Ford!" he cried. "It's not what it looks like!"

"Whatever," said Ford. "I'm taking a walk. Going to contemplate life, the universe, maybe even calling the police. Don’t call me back until dark." He walked briskly outside.

Dipper fell backwards with a groan. "Oh, man. We are so screwed." He sighed, wearily.

Stan sat down by Dipper. "So, uh, hey!" he said. "...Wanna try that again?"


	3. Why Not Try Flowers?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stan and Dipper try to woo Bill. (Written for the prompt "Jealousy".)

"Stan!" cried Dipper. "I can't believe you're trying to contact Bill!"

"What?" said Stan, rolling his eyes. "I'm not trying to make a deal or anything, I just want to date him."

"But I should be the one who dates Bill!" Dipper shouted.

The two of them stared at the other; they each had a brightly-colored bouquet of flowers in hand, roses for Stan, daisies and violets for Dipper.

"I'm Ford's twin, I should get a shot at his ex first," said Stan.

"That doesn't make any sense!" snapped Dipper. "I mean, really? Just because you're his twin? C'mon, that sounds really weird." He snorted and folded his arms, balancing his bouquet against his elbow. "Plus I'm pretty much like Ford exactly already," he added.

"Yeah, if he washed himself with baby wipes and drank straight out of the pickle jar," Stan grumbled.

"Drinking pickle juice from an empty pickle jar is just being thrifty, and anyway that's real big talk from someone who licks the cheez dust out of a bag of Cheez-y Puffs!" Dipper threw his hands up out of exasperation, lightly showering the woods with flower petals.

Just then, in a flash of light, Bill made his entrance. "Stop it, boys, you're both pretty! Now, what's all the commotion about?"

"Bill, Stan wants to date you, but _I_ want to date you!" answered Dipper.

"Yeah, Bill, who ya gonna choose?" Stan asked.

"Gosh, fellas," said Bill, wrapping one arm around Stan and another around Dipper, "between such fine gents, how could I possibly choose? So I'm making a decision: I'm gonna date you both!" He pulled the two closer.

"Wow, really?" asked Dipper, stars in his eyes.

"Yep!" said Bill. Suddenly, he shoved Stan and Dipper at each other. " _Now kiss_."

"Wait, what?" said Dipper.

"What," said Stan.


	4. S&P Approved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for the prompt "Disney Made Them Do It".

"Bad news, guys!" Bill held out an official-looking document. "It seems the big guys up top want you two to kiss!"

Dipper and Stan looked horrified. "Wha--What?!" sputtered Dipper. "I'm not gonna kiss my uncle!"

"Hey!" yelled Stan. "Lemme see that!" He tried to snatch the paper out of Bill's hands.

But Bill just held the document higher. "This is a very delicate document, Stanley! I don't want you mishandling it!"

"I don't care if Walt himself tells me to do it!" Dipper shouted, as his uncle and Bill wrestled for dominance. "I'm not kissing Stan!"

Suddenly, Stan yanked the paper out of Bill's grasp. "Hey! This is just a menu for a Chinese restaurant!"

"Remember to wear your seat belts when you make out!" cried Bill.


End file.
